Sitting alone in my lounge, reading a book about the battle of Trafalgar, when I glanced up at my wife’s empty armchair, imagining she was still there, giving that special smile which meant, "I would love a cup of tea."

With sadness I thought, she would then have asked what I was reading and say, "That's pretty sad stuff but I expect you'll write a poem about it, or twist it around to make people laugh."

As I made my solitary cup, I thought about the very sad poems I had written since her passing, and thought, “Is she telling me to stop grieving so deeply”. I went back and wrote this nonsense which would have made her laugh.


By Len A.Hynds

If the battle had been fought under present day conditions, we would have lost.

ADMIRAL NELSON:"Give the signal Hardy."
CAPTAIN HARDY:"Aye-aye sir."
ADMIRAL NELSON:"Hold on! I never dictated this."
CAPTAIN HARDY:"No sir, it had to be changed, Admiralty guidelines."
ADMIRAL NELSON:(Reading aloud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What nonsense is this?"
CAPTAIN HARDY:"Government policy I'm afraid, sir. I had the devils own job to convince the Politically Correct Officer on board that England was not a racist word."
ADMIRAL NELSON:"Good God Hardy! Pass me my pipe and tobacco please."
CAPTAIN HARDY:"Can't be done sir. All naval vessels are now non-smoking areas under Health and Safety."
ADMIRAL NELSON:"Jesus Christ! We are facing the fleets of two countries. Signal splice the main brace, and I will join the men in a tot of rum."
CAPTAIN HARDY:"Can't be done sir, all naval vessels are now alcohol free."
ADMIRAL NELSON:"I despair Hardy! But at least we can still fight. The whole fleet will advance towards the enemy at the utmost speed."
CAPTAIN HARDY:"Can't be done sir. There is a four knot speed restriction around Trafalgar Cape."
ADMIRAL NELSON:"Damn it man, we are on the verge of the greatest sea battle in history and I must have knowledge of the enemy’s movements as we approach their line. Reports from crows nest please."
CAPTAIN HARDY:"Can't be done sir. Health and Safety have stopped men going aloft without hard hats or wearing harness. Even then it would be no good, as they say our rope ladders are unsafe and put a ban on them."
ADMIRAL NELSON:"What is happening to our once great country? Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
CAPTAIN HARDY:"As I explained sir, any alcohol is forbidden, and the lash could land you in serious trouble."
ADMIRAL NELSON:"What about the crime of sodomy?"
CAPTAIN HARDY:"Oh, they appear to have made that legal sir."
ADMIRAL NELSON:"Good grief! In that case, you had better, Kiss Me Hardy."
Statue of Nelson